dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
