remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
