i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
