He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
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So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i think my cat just said my name.
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In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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