if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
