Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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