His pubic hair was longer than his dick
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize