my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
