Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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