get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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