the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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