Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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