end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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