I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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