Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think your dad took our porno
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
