I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
