I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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