Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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