Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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