If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
