He uses pillows to masturbate.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
