It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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