every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
