Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?