Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I can text with my tongue
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.