What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
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you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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