Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My brain says no but my pants say off.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
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Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
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Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.