You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
