Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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