I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
