bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My life is pants optional.
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