We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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