So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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