maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
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I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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