I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
