I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
