So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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