Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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