Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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