roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
