Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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