Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
