i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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