Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
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You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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