We need to start having sex underwater more often.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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