Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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