i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
