and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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