I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
