when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Damn victory sex feels great
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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