My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
