Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
