I'm gonna have a badass scar
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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