im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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