I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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