Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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