Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
