god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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