you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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