My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
