I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
