Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
