I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
